Preface, Introduction, Requests, and Dedications
Theodore “Teddy Roosevelt” was born in the wagon of a traveling show–his mama would dance for the money they’d throw.
Whoops! My research assistant tells me that’s Cher’s story. A natural mistake—- Cher sang at Roosevelt’s inauguration.
Chapter One: Year of Decision
Early in 1898 at half past the Ides of March, local time, Theodore Roosevelt gave up his cushy job as Assistant Secretary of the Navy and helped the Army form the Rough Riders.
The curious reader (you there with your hand up) may wonder why if Teddy were in such a lather to go to war he didn’t just have his chauffeur drop him off at the army recruiter’s office.
If Teddy had enlisted as a private (!), he would never have risen quickly enough to become the leader of men he was born to be. This was particularly true of the Spanish-American War, which only lasted three news cycles.
Teddy had to get cracking–he had just enough time to design his uniform and to catch up with his men. He cut such a fine figure that he was made a colonel on the spot. A step up from private.
Chapter Two: Pull Up Your Socks
Roosevelt was only following orders, as was his Commander-in-Chief, President William McKinley. McKinley tried to avoid the war, but he was overruled by William Randolph “Remember the Maine” Hearst, the Fox News of his day.
McKinley was more than a little put out by Hearst’s war talk–he leaked the newspaper mogul’s actual weight in gross poundage to famous reporter Bob Woodward, who had his own bedroom at the McKinley White House.
It was McKinley’s contention that if there were a war going on, he should be the first to know about it. Hearst sent one of his reporters to the White House to tell McKinley to pull up his socks and whip Spain, as he (Hearst) was busy running the world. (This was a position later taken over by Dick Cheney.)
The important thing to remember–get your hi-liters ready–if Roosevelt had not won at San Juan Hill, America would have not become a world power; the Pentagon would have had to slash their gunboat orders. All movies featuring the Rough Riders would have had to have stopped production.
It would have certainly left a hole in Clint Eastwood’s plans to make two Spanish-American War movies, one of which was slated for overseas release with subtitles and closed captions performed by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
Luckily, for Roosevelt, Eastwood, and the country, the Battle of San Juan Hill was held as scheduled. There was a slight hitch at the beginning, as Teddy led his men up the wrong hill. At the news conference after the battle, the blame was properly placed on Mapquest.
For the purposes of historical accuracy, we should probably call it the Battle of San Juan Heights, and Roosevelt’s famous charge occurred on nearby Kettle Hill (just off Interstate 57). It wasn’t actually a cavalry charge. It’s true Teddy was out front on horseback, but his men were on foot. Their horses called in sick when they heard they would be boarding a ship bound for the war zone.
We really shouldn’t be too nit-picky–the “fog of war” and that sort of thing. It does no good to speculate that Roosevelt should have called for air cover or done some things differently. Nobody likes an armchair general. The important thing was Teddy won the battle (unofficial score: America, 117, Spain, 3–they sneaked in a three-pointer).
And a little over a hundred years later, Roosevelt was awarded his long overdue Medal of Honor by President Bill Clinton in 2001. This was one of Clinton’s last official acts that he managed to work in between stealing furniture and signing pardons.
At the Medal of Honor ceremony, Cher had planned to sing a new song for the occasion, but she forgot the lyrics and instead belted out “O Holy Night”.
